Isn't it funny, how I'm supposed to "mean it" (blog title) but yet I haven't been here because I guess I thought I meant it, but I clearly didn't.  Okay, this time I mean it.  I know that I can't grudgingly go toward sobriety.  Here is something that I have been repeatedly told, don't quit before the miracle happens.  I keep quitting.  So, here I am back at it again.  I am feeling positive about things.  I actually am hopeful.   It is so amazing that alcohol can control ones life, even if I'm not drinking, I am usually thinking about my not drinking, or quitting drinking, or when I can drink again.....you know the drill.  So, here I am, sober for a few days, feeling good.   Time to get interested in life again.  One of the things AAisms is "living life on life's terms".  I am going to this sober.  I have two parents that need care, and a sibling that needs care, and I have to learn that I can't take care of anyone if I don't take care of myself.  For now I'm going to do "the next right thing!"

Day 26 feeling peaceful

Things are going well in my world.  I am so grateful to be feeling so great today.  These things ebb and flow, yesterday I woke up in a great mood, made blueberry pancakes, was feeling great about life and then DH made a comment about pancakes not being on my diet and it set me off. I have been overreacting to some things as an over correction of my co-dependent behavior while drinking.  I have thought about this a lot.  You see, I would drink, feel guilty, and to make up for it (usually because hubby and I would get into some sort of rip roaring argument when I was drinking because I became mean)  So to make up for this behavior I would suck up the next day, I took the blame for everything even when I suspected he embellished my poor behavior because I had let us down again.  I always did the things he wanted to do, tried to over compensate in the wife arena to make my drinking issues not seem so bad, because hey look how perfect I am as a wife otherwise.  

Now in my 26 days of sobriety, I have my mojo back which means I put my foot down more, I want to do my own things more, I want to see the movies I want to see etc.   Don't get me wrong, my husband told me how much better he likes me sober, but I am not such a push over.  I have always been independent, but a lot of that got lost with my drinking.  

I do like working my way back to me, there are just a few growing pains along the way.  

Best laid intentions and miscellaneous stuff......

Let me start out by saying, its Day 24 and I....AM....STILL....SOBER!  This is the longest in over three years! I am mostly doing well.  I have had my moments of pity party.  Last night was one.  Fridays are just hard.  I loved Fridays because the after work happy hour(s) were not unusual in most people's worlds.  I could say out loud in the office, "Whew what a week, I need a glass of wine." Of course everyone commiserated and agreed.  It was a festive feeling.   The fact of the matter is though, I always drank too much on Friday nights.  It was freedom zone, no work tomorrow, and I would drink too much and feel like crap on Saturday morning.  The pattern was always the same, feel like crap on Saturday, and fairly depressed all day.  I would eat junk food because I already felt like crap, and there was nothing so good as a greasy burger and fries to make myself feel better.  

Saturday night was usually a slower drinking night.  Notice I didn't say a non-drinking night.  Sunday would start out feeling okay, and by Sunday afternoon I was in a full on depression.  Had to have wine with dinner, wine after dinner, and Granny before bed.  My worst hangovers were on Mondays.  I am thankful that I don't have to do that anymore.  Weekends are about the days and not the nights so I try to do things I haven't done in a while because I was either hung over, too tired, too depressed or too lazy.  It is amazing how lazy I am when I'm drinking.  

So, lets end with a positive.  I am at work this morning, doing a few things that need to be done, and then I'm off the rest of the weekend and I plan to have fun.  I am going to see American Sniper today,  and I am going to have fun tomorrow.  

Happy Weekend! 

Deprivation......mental clarity

Well, with sobriety comes action.  I am doing things that I have put off, that I have wanted to do, what I haven't wanted to do but needed to do.  Which brings me to the big eating change I am going through.  It is no longer in vogue to say "diet" because we all know that diets don't work.  I am doing the Isagenix "cleanse" to lose weight but it isn't a diet its a lifestyle.  Anyway, I like it because the shakes taste good, I can eat a healthy dinner and I know exactly how many calories I am eating.  The only down side is that there is a two day cleanse every two weeks.  I am HUNGRY!  The good news is that I haven't given a thought to alcohol, but food, oh sweet carbs and food......heavy sigh. 

My sobriety is good.  I feel my life changing in positive ways already.  I am not good with deprivation.  I am not good with no, but I am happy that the deprivation I am feeling today is food deprivation.  Although not that happy.....because I want to eat.  More tomorrow (maybe).  I will be on day two of my two day "super cleanse" tomorrow.  I may be very cranky.  But lighter hopefully, but cranky nonetheless.

Culinary dreams and enjoying a nice glass of wine. Day 8

I absolutely love to cook.  I'm addicted to cookbooks, cooking shows and cooking blogs.  I think the biggest disappointment I have had is that I haven't ever been able to just enjoy a glass of wine.  A glass of wine would be cruel.  It wouldn't be fair, it would be the beginning of a lot of heartache, or longing.  But it always looks good.  I watched Top Chef last night and watched the chefs drink a glass of wine with Jacques Pepin and my first thought is that he has one bottle of wine for six people.  THAT is why I am not like others that can actually enjoy one glass of wine.  One thing that I always notice is when people actually LEAVE WINE IN THEIR GLASS!  Crazy talk. 

It is something that I have to accept.  I can't enjoy alcohol, I can enjoy food without alcohol, and my life is better without.  One other thing that I can honestly say, when fine dining I used it as a license to drink as much wine as I wanted which would ruin the enjoyment of the food.  Seriously, if you are obsessing over how much wine is left, how can you enjoy the food?  Welcome to day 8!

Day seven....I'm in heaven.....not literally....

Well, its been awhile, I decided it was too difficult to quit and stay quit over the holidays.  I felt guilt, shame, and regret, but also resigned.  What a difference a year makes.  I am on day seven and I feel great.  I had one day of alcohol craving, more escape craving but other than that this is going smoothly.  I'm on fire at work, I have been social, energetic, and just plain happy.  Pink cloud?  Yep, but I think I'll ride it out.  I am doing this, I feel different.  Once I make it to Saturday, it will be the longest I have been sober in three years.  This is it, it has to be.  I am doing Belle's 100 day challenge.  I know if won't be easy, but I am going to do this.  Life feels better without the lethargy of alcohol.  I essentially shut down in the evening.

Its Friday night!

Friday nights are the most difficult sober nights, since Fridays have been my typical nights where drinking was accepted, and I could plan to drink more than my controlled amounts.  I had yet another function to go to tonight.  It was an open house for a new business.  Yes they had wine, food, and a water cooler.  I was tired, did a bit of networking, and went and picked up dinner. I'm watching a movie I will actually be able to pay attention to, and I will wake up fresh tomorrow. 

I did feel great today, and I definitely would have "no showed" to some of these events this week if drinking was on the table.  I never liked to drink at "events" because it was too taxing to limit my drinking.  Off to watch my movie. 

Annoying company functions

Day three and I'm pooped!  So, yet another function tonight.  Tonight was a company meeting.  My alcohol story tonight was that there were drink tickets handed out when you signed in.  Yes, there was beer and wine and no soft drinks.  Seriously?  I had an Odouls which I know is a trigger for some people but I only drank beer occasionally and it was not on my list of "go to for drunkeness" so I don't feel bad.  It was the only "soft drink" available.  It really helps me to have something in my hand, soft drinks, or water, but it is something I never noticed throughout my drinking career how difficult it can be sometimes to get something non-alcoholic to drink at an evening function.  Especially if the drink tab is picked up by the company or host/hostess, the assumption is made that you will drink especially if you don't have to pay. 

Ahhhh.....the fallacy.  Anyhoo, I'm home, I'm tired and I'm sober.  It was a long day but I feel great!  Woo hoo!

100 day challenge Day Two....

So today is day two.  I had a good day at work, stayed in the zone until the end of the day and frankly work things started falling apart.  I usually like to cook, its a good end to the day.  Its a bit hard because I used to get a thrill about being able to open a bottle of wine while testing my culinary skills.  It was the idea of it, it was never as exciting as I played it up in my mind.  But you know, I think its the Bengal tiger of the marketing of wine and alcohol.  Its never been like it is billed to be.  I made a pork tenderloin stuffed with bacon and smoked gouda, sauteed spinach, and mashed potatoes.  Sound good?  It just didn't come together, like my day.  The cheese melted out, and the bacon made the tenderloin too salty, the mashed potatoes weren't creamy enough, the spinach had no flavor aside from an over abundance of red pepper.  So, it was Magnum night.  No, not a magnum of champagne, but a Magnum bar.  Mmmmmm.........the point is I am sober.  I will make this 100 days.  I will, its a starting point.  Yes it will be through the holidays, but I will do it!  

 

So, I have decided to note for the next 100 days, in my 100 day sobriety challenge to note how starting today through the holidays how many people question why I'm not drinking.  It is really funny when you think about it, people question your NOT drinking.  Nobody questions why I don't drink orange juice in the morning, but if you go out or people's houses for dinner, they wonder why you aren't drinking.  I did the same when others didn't drink.  I assumed they were religious, or alcoholics, but more often I thought they wouldn't be fun, they were probably judging me for drinking, and that I didn't want to invite them over for parties.  Pretty messed up!  I bought into the big lie that people couldn't be fun, cool, or the life of the party if they weren't drinking.  Wow!

So tonight I went to a work function, it was from 4-6pm and they were passing canape's and champagne when we walked in the door.  Instant awkward, because when I said no thank you to the champs, I was told in the kitchen there was San Pellegrino in the kitchen.  Of course, there were plastic cups with it, while everyone else was drinking from champagne flutes.  Instant second class citizen status.  It wasn't a problem, just an observation.  So, day one down, 99 more to go on my challenge.  Oh yeah, and it feels strange not to feel drained and foggy while sitting watching television before going to bed.  A very good weird.  More tomorrow.......

I'm on a roll now, three days but who is counting.  I'm really not, at least not so much.  I just want to make it first to one week, then two and then I'll be in uncharted territory.  Its shouldn't be hard, and most times it isn't.  The problem for me, is I tend to like to isolate at times.  I like being around people and being social, but some times I prefer to work at home and not deal with the stuff that goes on at work.  I'm not sure why, its just I am really hard on myself, and if I feel like I'm not working to my fullest potential, I get hard on myself, and then I compare myself to others that I feel that I should be more successful than, I just don't know how to motivate myself to move.  I know this became less of a problem when I had some sober time.  

I think that the more "sober" I become, the more my motivation will peak.  So, here I go with a flash of brilliance, I will put myself and my sobriety first.  I have to believe the rest will follow.   So here are my commitments-1 I will not drink, 2. I will eat real food, 3. I will exercise more.  This is my commitment for now until the end of the year.  Work will come in fourth until the new year. 

Well here I am, back at square and day one.  Its amazing how one little thing can make it throw in the towel, again.  I was so committed, I knew that the time was passing and getting closer to the time that I wouldn't think obsessively about drinking.  How did this happen?  So, I did some extra work for a client of mine.  While we were working she was talking about her family owning an Italian restaurant in New York.  We were talking about our love for Italian food and my love for cooking in general.  Then she asked me what kind of wine I drank.  Well, this wasn't the time for a confession, and I didn't have an answer prepared.  So, no harm done, I told her I liked Cabernet, Chianti, other reds.  End of discussion, no big deal.  I get home from work on Friday and low and behold, two bottles of red wine (very nice Cabernet) were sitting in my front gate, by the door.  Now, this is the part where I instantly poured out the bottles, and proudly walked inside.  Well, it actually isn't the time that I do that.  I called my husband, told him about the wine, and I said I'll start again tomorrow.  Once said, I was on a mission.  My mood was excited, I had "permission" to drink, the wine was a gift, what could it hurt?  
It didn't hurt that much that night.  Both bottles down, with me doing a running commentary on how I am feeling after each glass.  Then hubby and I watched a movie that neither of us could concentrate on, we went to sleep at 8:30pm.  Party on!  That started a day two of drinking because we were lazy, and hung over and it was Saturday.  We got in a yelling fight, went to bed angry.  Sunday I woke up depressed, I had to go to the office for a while, I couldn't bear "quitting" again on a Sunday while I was depressed (yes, I know alcohol is a depressant, I know) so I bought wine on the way home from the office.  Yesterday I had a long hard day, I didn't want to quit yesterday.  So, here I am today, I want to drink but I am not going to.  How did this innocent conversation about Italian food lead me to a weekend plus of drinking.  I need to keep my guard up.  I need to be aware of what I'm saying.  So, here I am at day one again.  

You know when the stars align and all is well.....today isn't that day.

Okay, I am having a bad day and it keeps piling up so I am coming to the blog so I can speak my mind, have it out, kick it in its ass and NOT drink.  This day started out promising, I got up, went for a jog, went to an AA meeting and wham, the day started off wrong.  I picked a sponsor in AA because she was educated, new to the area like me, and living a sober life like I wanted.  The problem is she is passive aggressive, and says all of the right things until she does the exact opposite.  I have had a ton of shit piling on me lately, a big huge ton of shit.  I need to be sober so I can deal with it all, since I am the one everyone comes to in my family to straighten things out.  I am not good at asking for help because I've always been of the mindset that people really don't care about my problems, I should handle them myself. I realized that I can't handle everything myself.  I can't.  I need support.  My husband is very supportive and I am grateful for him every day.  But he doesn't get the whole drinking thing, doesn't get why he can take it or leave it when I can't, he doesn't get why I can't just let things with my family go, he just doesn't get how I can go from being happy one minute, to sad the next. 

I think that I need to read some sobriety blogs because I just feel so darn sad.  I'm not going to drink, I am determined.  Thanks for letting me share.  Whats weird is I don't even feel like drinking right now. 

I am on a roll!

I did it.  I turned the voice off.  The voice was so strong (no I am not schizophrenic).  This was the strongest voice yet.  My husband is out of town on business for the final time this year.  I have been getting so much work done this week since I can work with a clear head, and my husband isn't home so I can work or Facebook, or do whatever in the evening.  This afternoon I am making some red beans and rice, and cleaning out closets, and doing my normal work, and the thought first came across as something like "you know, if you finish all of these projects you could take a bubble bath, and get a bottle of wine, and read for an hour.  Then I tried banishing the wine part.  I couldn't stop it, it was there.  I had pretty much made up my mind to start over (again) because this is the last time I could get away with it.  The only thing that bothered me at first about that thought is that I would have to lie to my husband, or tell him while he is away that I fell of the wagon.  I couldn't stop the thought.  I laid down my chopping utensils, and decided to go to the store and get the wine and then "see" how I feel in a few hours after I have finished my work.

Here is what is different this time than any other time that I have had this thought. Once I have decided to do it, then the relapse has begun, nothing can usually sway me from doing it.  I sat down at the computer, and decided to read a few sobriety blogs by the many new found sober bloggers, and go read their day nine stories and it helped!  Every one of them sounded like me, but what is interesting, reading blogs is like being in a time machine, many of the bloggers have now been sober for a year or so, and their whole writing style has changed, they seem like grown ups instead of pouting children, they have grown in their sobriety, and damn it, I am not going to drink.  I have NEVER stopped the train when I decided to drink to before, and I have.  Thank you Belle, Anne, and Mrs. D.  Whew!

One thing I have noticed about many of the bloggers is that they have husbands who 1. Drank with them but wouldn't have been drinking if they were alone 2. That could take it or leave it and 3. That never put their foot down about alcohol, but expressed later that they were worried.   Isn't it interesting that men can swallow what they are feeling.  I guarantee if my husband had told me it was time for me to quit drinking, I would have given him the old middle finger (figuratively or maybe not if I was drinking).  He tolerated me, and I don't want the super hubby to have to tolerate me.  I will do this.  So, off to clean out my closet AND when I am finished with my work I'll take a bubble bath, with a blood orange soda, and my Kindle.  Aaaaah!!!!!!!

Day number eight.  It is about the hardest time for me.  I haven't had eight days sober in over three years and I am continuing on.   The day times aren't that difficult.  If I'm busy at work, I don't think about drinking.  Its when I get off work and I am hyped up.  Today I was planning to have grilled salmon for dinner, but I was dying for some wine and decided to eat a pizza for dinner instead.  A "reward" for my day, but alcohol  was off the table.  I'm glad I did this.  I know when I had a year under my belt before that it took about 45 days to stop thinking and obsessing over alcohol.  I am going to get there.  I have signed up on Belle's page for a sober pen pal, so until I get one, I'll speak out into the ether, or internet, and go to meetings when I can.

I just started Jason Vale's book.  I'll be interested to his position on drinking.  His theory is that everybody who drinks is somewhat addicted.  I am a skeptic by nature, but I am reading it with an open mind.  One thing I would like to note, many books and blogs make comments about Alcoholics Anonymous.  These comments are usually from people who have preconceived ideas about what AA is.  I am not here to say that AA is the only way to go, but I do think that every person who wants to quit drinking should try a few meetings.  There is no prescribed belief system, and all meetings are different yet the same.  I have been to AA meetings in Florida, Georgia, Texas, Arizona, New York, and California.  The formats are pretty much the same, but the meetings are all different.  Some are more young people, some are mostly old timers, some are more white bread homogenous, others are mixed with all walks of life.  The big thing is that you are in a room with people who are trying to and many times succeeding in being sober, and they are having fun.  I thought AA was going to be a big church meeting, the higher power concept is just that you need to believe that the world doesn't start and end with you.  Many, many people use the AA group as their higher power.  Again, if you don't want to go that is up to you, but I would suggest trying it just for the support.

More tomorrow!

Stream of consciousness won't shut up!

So, today is day seven and I'm happy and nervous.  My husband has gone out of town for a week for business and the drinky drunky thoughts started while he was packing yesterday.  I went to the grocery store and thought how this week would be filled with healthy foods, lots of kale, juicing, and goodness since I wouldn't have the eye roll from the hubster.  Then the much louder thoughts that wouldn't shut up were the thoughts of.........here is the lovely wine selection, don't you think the wine selection is fabulous here for grocery store, just look at all of the pretty bottles....you husband will be gone maybe if you buy just one very nice bottle of wine while he is gone you won't have to see his concerned  eyes and knowledge that you couldn't hack sobriety and its only one bottle and it would be expensive so you wouldn't have more than the one bottle or maybe for the same price you could get two lesser bottles then you could get a hangover then you wouldn't even want to drink after that and it wouldn't cost as much and he wouldn't know because he is out of town....of course you would have to wait until after he called for the final time in the evening to start drinking because he would know and worry....if you had just one glass before he called or better yet I could call him because then I could control the timing and get into the drinking....

Yikes!  I quickly walked away from the wine and went and bought a bottle of blood orange soda instead.  I will not drink today, or tomorrow, but I am focusing on today.  I think that I'll go to an AA meeting.  That is all. 

Just a quick Friday night accountability

Its Friday night, the most difficult day of the week for sobriety.  Checking in because I'm not drinking, that is all!

Day 4 and feeling fine.....

Well, today is my fourth day sober.  I feel a sense of commitment, knowing that I'm on the way.  So far, the biggest changes are a feeling of energy when I usually drag, which I'm sure is no coincidence that I start to drag right before I usually have my first glass of wine.  One thing that I know is normal, but I'm not a big fan of is that I crave sweets.  This is a normal by product of sobriety, and it lasts a few weeks, but I have never been a big craver of sweets.  I like carbs, bread, pasta and the like, but usually don't crave sweets, except now.  I decided not to beat myself up over this.  I need to lose weight but, first things first.  So I have been having a bowl of ice cream after dinner every night, and I'm cool with it because I haven't had wine.  Speaking of wine, I have a great substitute for red wine.  I love a glass of tart cherry juice, and I put it in a special glass to have instead of wine while I'm cooking.  I personally think it is a great substitute for red wine.  Wine is the only alcoholic beverage that I really liked.   I usually drank vodka, or tequila for the mission of getting a buzz (which really ended up getting me drunk) but wine was my thing!  I know going out to dinner won't be pleasurable for a while as I know that it will be difficult without wine.  No future tripping, just for today I will not worry about wine, or alcohol, and just try to make this weekend fun and somewhat stress free. 

My favorite wine substitute.

Well I went from a countdown to sobriety, to three days sober.  Lets recap a bit shall we?  We went on a beautiful vacation, 14 days of California parks, beaches and cities.  Fully 3/4 of the nights we were gone I went to bed from mildly to wildly drunk.  The first week I was whooping it up.  I was on full steam ahead, since I will be sober when I return.  I saw some beautiful sites while traveling.  The thing is, I never felt that expansive feeling you get when you are completely in awe, or seeing something magical.  It was beautiful, but I was lazy feeling, and bitchy, and whew did Nate and I have some arguments.  I still "plowed" on until the end, but here I am three days sober.  The first two days I couldn't even get a chance to write as I threw myself into work, paying for my days off.  The most difficult part of that is that I could not come down at night.  I was anxious, tense and irritable,  I couldn't sleep, I could not get relaxed.  I know that it will get better, my moods are better, that is a great thing.  I am in for the long haul, this blog is going to be my accountability.  Wish me luck!