Well here I am, back at square and day one.  Its amazing how one little thing can make it throw in the towel, again.  I was so committed, I knew that the time was passing and getting closer to the time that I wouldn't think obsessively about drinking.  How did this happen?  So, I did some extra work for a client of mine.  While we were working she was talking about her family owning an Italian restaurant in New York.  We were talking about our love for Italian food and my love for cooking in general.  Then she asked me what kind of wine I drank.  Well, this wasn't the time for a confession, and I didn't have an answer prepared.  So, no harm done, I told her I liked Cabernet, Chianti, other reds.  End of discussion, no big deal.  I get home from work on Friday and low and behold, two bottles of red wine (very nice Cabernet) were sitting in my front gate, by the door.  Now, this is the part where I instantly poured out the bottles, and proudly walked inside.  Well, it actually isn't the time that I do that.  I called my husband, told him about the wine, and I said I'll start again tomorrow.  Once said, I was on a mission.  My mood was excited, I had "permission" to drink, the wine was a gift, what could it hurt?  
It didn't hurt that much that night.  Both bottles down, with me doing a running commentary on how I am feeling after each glass.  Then hubby and I watched a movie that neither of us could concentrate on, we went to sleep at 8:30pm.  Party on!  That started a day two of drinking because we were lazy, and hung over and it was Saturday.  We got in a yelling fight, went to bed angry.  Sunday I woke up depressed, I had to go to the office for a while, I couldn't bear "quitting" again on a Sunday while I was depressed (yes, I know alcohol is a depressant, I know) so I bought wine on the way home from the office.  Yesterday I had a long hard day, I didn't want to quit yesterday.  So, here I am today, I want to drink but I am not going to.  How did this innocent conversation about Italian food lead me to a weekend plus of drinking.  I need to keep my guard up.  I need to be aware of what I'm saying.  So, here I am at day one again.  

You know when the stars align and all is well.....today isn't that day.

Okay, I am having a bad day and it keeps piling up so I am coming to the blog so I can speak my mind, have it out, kick it in its ass and NOT drink.  This day started out promising, I got up, went for a jog, went to an AA meeting and wham, the day started off wrong.  I picked a sponsor in AA because she was educated, new to the area like me, and living a sober life like I wanted.  The problem is she is passive aggressive, and says all of the right things until she does the exact opposite.  I have had a ton of shit piling on me lately, a big huge ton of shit.  I need to be sober so I can deal with it all, since I am the one everyone comes to in my family to straighten things out.  I am not good at asking for help because I've always been of the mindset that people really don't care about my problems, I should handle them myself. I realized that I can't handle everything myself.  I can't.  I need support.  My husband is very supportive and I am grateful for him every day.  But he doesn't get the whole drinking thing, doesn't get why he can take it or leave it when I can't, he doesn't get why I can't just let things with my family go, he just doesn't get how I can go from being happy one minute, to sad the next. 

I think that I need to read some sobriety blogs because I just feel so darn sad.  I'm not going to drink, I am determined.  Thanks for letting me share.  Whats weird is I don't even feel like drinking right now. 

I am on a roll!

I did it.  I turned the voice off.  The voice was so strong (no I am not schizophrenic).  This was the strongest voice yet.  My husband is out of town on business for the final time this year.  I have been getting so much work done this week since I can work with a clear head, and my husband isn't home so I can work or Facebook, or do whatever in the evening.  This afternoon I am making some red beans and rice, and cleaning out closets, and doing my normal work, and the thought first came across as something like "you know, if you finish all of these projects you could take a bubble bath, and get a bottle of wine, and read for an hour.  Then I tried banishing the wine part.  I couldn't stop it, it was there.  I had pretty much made up my mind to start over (again) because this is the last time I could get away with it.  The only thing that bothered me at first about that thought is that I would have to lie to my husband, or tell him while he is away that I fell of the wagon.  I couldn't stop the thought.  I laid down my chopping utensils, and decided to go to the store and get the wine and then "see" how I feel in a few hours after I have finished my work.

Here is what is different this time than any other time that I have had this thought. Once I have decided to do it, then the relapse has begun, nothing can usually sway me from doing it.  I sat down at the computer, and decided to read a few sobriety blogs by the many new found sober bloggers, and go read their day nine stories and it helped!  Every one of them sounded like me, but what is interesting, reading blogs is like being in a time machine, many of the bloggers have now been sober for a year or so, and their whole writing style has changed, they seem like grown ups instead of pouting children, they have grown in their sobriety, and damn it, I am not going to drink.  I have NEVER stopped the train when I decided to drink to before, and I have.  Thank you Belle, Anne, and Mrs. D.  Whew!

One thing I have noticed about many of the bloggers is that they have husbands who 1. Drank with them but wouldn't have been drinking if they were alone 2. That could take it or leave it and 3. That never put their foot down about alcohol, but expressed later that they were worried.   Isn't it interesting that men can swallow what they are feeling.  I guarantee if my husband had told me it was time for me to quit drinking, I would have given him the old middle finger (figuratively or maybe not if I was drinking).  He tolerated me, and I don't want the super hubby to have to tolerate me.  I will do this.  So, off to clean out my closet AND when I am finished with my work I'll take a bubble bath, with a blood orange soda, and my Kindle.  Aaaaah!!!!!!!

Day number eight.  It is about the hardest time for me.  I haven't had eight days sober in over three years and I am continuing on.   The day times aren't that difficult.  If I'm busy at work, I don't think about drinking.  Its when I get off work and I am hyped up.  Today I was planning to have grilled salmon for dinner, but I was dying for some wine and decided to eat a pizza for dinner instead.  A "reward" for my day, but alcohol  was off the table.  I'm glad I did this.  I know when I had a year under my belt before that it took about 45 days to stop thinking and obsessing over alcohol.  I am going to get there.  I have signed up on Belle's page for a sober pen pal, so until I get one, I'll speak out into the ether, or internet, and go to meetings when I can.

I just started Jason Vale's book.  I'll be interested to his position on drinking.  His theory is that everybody who drinks is somewhat addicted.  I am a skeptic by nature, but I am reading it with an open mind.  One thing I would like to note, many books and blogs make comments about Alcoholics Anonymous.  These comments are usually from people who have preconceived ideas about what AA is.  I am not here to say that AA is the only way to go, but I do think that every person who wants to quit drinking should try a few meetings.  There is no prescribed belief system, and all meetings are different yet the same.  I have been to AA meetings in Florida, Georgia, Texas, Arizona, New York, and California.  The formats are pretty much the same, but the meetings are all different.  Some are more young people, some are mostly old timers, some are more white bread homogenous, others are mixed with all walks of life.  The big thing is that you are in a room with people who are trying to and many times succeeding in being sober, and they are having fun.  I thought AA was going to be a big church meeting, the higher power concept is just that you need to believe that the world doesn't start and end with you.  Many, many people use the AA group as their higher power.  Again, if you don't want to go that is up to you, but I would suggest trying it just for the support.

More tomorrow!

Stream of consciousness won't shut up!

So, today is day seven and I'm happy and nervous.  My husband has gone out of town for a week for business and the drinky drunky thoughts started while he was packing yesterday.  I went to the grocery store and thought how this week would be filled with healthy foods, lots of kale, juicing, and goodness since I wouldn't have the eye roll from the hubster.  Then the much louder thoughts that wouldn't shut up were the thoughts of.........here is the lovely wine selection, don't you think the wine selection is fabulous here for grocery store, just look at all of the pretty bottles....you husband will be gone maybe if you buy just one very nice bottle of wine while he is gone you won't have to see his concerned  eyes and knowledge that you couldn't hack sobriety and its only one bottle and it would be expensive so you wouldn't have more than the one bottle or maybe for the same price you could get two lesser bottles then you could get a hangover then you wouldn't even want to drink after that and it wouldn't cost as much and he wouldn't know because he is out of town....of course you would have to wait until after he called for the final time in the evening to start drinking because he would know and worry....if you had just one glass before he called or better yet I could call him because then I could control the timing and get into the drinking....

Yikes!  I quickly walked away from the wine and went and bought a bottle of blood orange soda instead.  I will not drink today, or tomorrow, but I am focusing on today.  I think that I'll go to an AA meeting.  That is all. 

Just a quick Friday night accountability

Its Friday night, the most difficult day of the week for sobriety.  Checking in because I'm not drinking, that is all!

Day 4 and feeling fine.....

Well, today is my fourth day sober.  I feel a sense of commitment, knowing that I'm on the way.  So far, the biggest changes are a feeling of energy when I usually drag, which I'm sure is no coincidence that I start to drag right before I usually have my first glass of wine.  One thing that I know is normal, but I'm not a big fan of is that I crave sweets.  This is a normal by product of sobriety, and it lasts a few weeks, but I have never been a big craver of sweets.  I like carbs, bread, pasta and the like, but usually don't crave sweets, except now.  I decided not to beat myself up over this.  I need to lose weight but, first things first.  So I have been having a bowl of ice cream after dinner every night, and I'm cool with it because I haven't had wine.  Speaking of wine, I have a great substitute for red wine.  I love a glass of tart cherry juice, and I put it in a special glass to have instead of wine while I'm cooking.  I personally think it is a great substitute for red wine.  Wine is the only alcoholic beverage that I really liked.   I usually drank vodka, or tequila for the mission of getting a buzz (which really ended up getting me drunk) but wine was my thing!  I know going out to dinner won't be pleasurable for a while as I know that it will be difficult without wine.  No future tripping, just for today I will not worry about wine, or alcohol, and just try to make this weekend fun and somewhat stress free. 

My favorite wine substitute.

Well I went from a countdown to sobriety, to three days sober.  Lets recap a bit shall we?  We went on a beautiful vacation, 14 days of California parks, beaches and cities.  Fully 3/4 of the nights we were gone I went to bed from mildly to wildly drunk.  The first week I was whooping it up.  I was on full steam ahead, since I will be sober when I return.  I saw some beautiful sites while traveling.  The thing is, I never felt that expansive feeling you get when you are completely in awe, or seeing something magical.  It was beautiful, but I was lazy feeling, and bitchy, and whew did Nate and I have some arguments.  I still "plowed" on until the end, but here I am three days sober.  The first two days I couldn't even get a chance to write as I threw myself into work, paying for my days off.  The most difficult part of that is that I could not come down at night.  I was anxious, tense and irritable,  I couldn't sleep, I could not get relaxed.  I know that it will get better, my moods are better, that is a great thing.  I am in for the long haul, this blog is going to be my accountability.  Wish me luck!