Its Friday night!

Friday nights are the most difficult sober nights, since Fridays have been my typical nights where drinking was accepted, and I could plan to drink more than my controlled amounts.  I had yet another function to go to tonight.  It was an open house for a new business.  Yes they had wine, food, and a water cooler.  I was tired, did a bit of networking, and went and picked up dinner. I'm watching a movie I will actually be able to pay attention to, and I will wake up fresh tomorrow. 

I did feel great today, and I definitely would have "no showed" to some of these events this week if drinking was on the table.  I never liked to drink at "events" because it was too taxing to limit my drinking.  Off to watch my movie. 

Annoying company functions

Day three and I'm pooped!  So, yet another function tonight.  Tonight was a company meeting.  My alcohol story tonight was that there were drink tickets handed out when you signed in.  Yes, there was beer and wine and no soft drinks.  Seriously?  I had an Odouls which I know is a trigger for some people but I only drank beer occasionally and it was not on my list of "go to for drunkeness" so I don't feel bad.  It was the only "soft drink" available.  It really helps me to have something in my hand, soft drinks, or water, but it is something I never noticed throughout my drinking career how difficult it can be sometimes to get something non-alcoholic to drink at an evening function.  Especially if the drink tab is picked up by the company or host/hostess, the assumption is made that you will drink especially if you don't have to pay. 

Ahhhh.....the fallacy.  Anyhoo, I'm home, I'm tired and I'm sober.  It was a long day but I feel great!  Woo hoo!

100 day challenge Day Two....

So today is day two.  I had a good day at work, stayed in the zone until the end of the day and frankly work things started falling apart.  I usually like to cook, its a good end to the day.  Its a bit hard because I used to get a thrill about being able to open a bottle of wine while testing my culinary skills.  It was the idea of it, it was never as exciting as I played it up in my mind.  But you know, I think its the Bengal tiger of the marketing of wine and alcohol.  Its never been like it is billed to be.  I made a pork tenderloin stuffed with bacon and smoked gouda, sauteed spinach, and mashed potatoes.  Sound good?  It just didn't come together, like my day.  The cheese melted out, and the bacon made the tenderloin too salty, the mashed potatoes weren't creamy enough, the spinach had no flavor aside from an over abundance of red pepper.  So, it was Magnum night.  No, not a magnum of champagne, but a Magnum bar.  Mmmmmm.........the point is I am sober.  I will make this 100 days.  I will, its a starting point.  Yes it will be through the holidays, but I will do it!  

 

So, I have decided to note for the next 100 days, in my 100 day sobriety challenge to note how starting today through the holidays how many people question why I'm not drinking.  It is really funny when you think about it, people question your NOT drinking.  Nobody questions why I don't drink orange juice in the morning, but if you go out or people's houses for dinner, they wonder why you aren't drinking.  I did the same when others didn't drink.  I assumed they were religious, or alcoholics, but more often I thought they wouldn't be fun, they were probably judging me for drinking, and that I didn't want to invite them over for parties.  Pretty messed up!  I bought into the big lie that people couldn't be fun, cool, or the life of the party if they weren't drinking.  Wow!

So tonight I went to a work function, it was from 4-6pm and they were passing canape's and champagne when we walked in the door.  Instant awkward, because when I said no thank you to the champs, I was told in the kitchen there was San Pellegrino in the kitchen.  Of course, there were plastic cups with it, while everyone else was drinking from champagne flutes.  Instant second class citizen status.  It wasn't a problem, just an observation.  So, day one down, 99 more to go on my challenge.  Oh yeah, and it feels strange not to feel drained and foggy while sitting watching television before going to bed.  A very good weird.  More tomorrow.......

I'm on a roll now, three days but who is counting.  I'm really not, at least not so much.  I just want to make it first to one week, then two and then I'll be in uncharted territory.  Its shouldn't be hard, and most times it isn't.  The problem for me, is I tend to like to isolate at times.  I like being around people and being social, but some times I prefer to work at home and not deal with the stuff that goes on at work.  I'm not sure why, its just I am really hard on myself, and if I feel like I'm not working to my fullest potential, I get hard on myself, and then I compare myself to others that I feel that I should be more successful than, I just don't know how to motivate myself to move.  I know this became less of a problem when I had some sober time.  

I think that the more "sober" I become, the more my motivation will peak.  So, here I go with a flash of brilliance, I will put myself and my sobriety first.  I have to believe the rest will follow.   So here are my commitments-1 I will not drink, 2. I will eat real food, 3. I will exercise more.  This is my commitment for now until the end of the year.  Work will come in fourth until the new year. 

Well here I am, back at square and day one.  Its amazing how one little thing can make it throw in the towel, again.  I was so committed, I knew that the time was passing and getting closer to the time that I wouldn't think obsessively about drinking.  How did this happen?  So, I did some extra work for a client of mine.  While we were working she was talking about her family owning an Italian restaurant in New York.  We were talking about our love for Italian food and my love for cooking in general.  Then she asked me what kind of wine I drank.  Well, this wasn't the time for a confession, and I didn't have an answer prepared.  So, no harm done, I told her I liked Cabernet, Chianti, other reds.  End of discussion, no big deal.  I get home from work on Friday and low and behold, two bottles of red wine (very nice Cabernet) were sitting in my front gate, by the door.  Now, this is the part where I instantly poured out the bottles, and proudly walked inside.  Well, it actually isn't the time that I do that.  I called my husband, told him about the wine, and I said I'll start again tomorrow.  Once said, I was on a mission.  My mood was excited, I had "permission" to drink, the wine was a gift, what could it hurt?  
It didn't hurt that much that night.  Both bottles down, with me doing a running commentary on how I am feeling after each glass.  Then hubby and I watched a movie that neither of us could concentrate on, we went to sleep at 8:30pm.  Party on!  That started a day two of drinking because we were lazy, and hung over and it was Saturday.  We got in a yelling fight, went to bed angry.  Sunday I woke up depressed, I had to go to the office for a while, I couldn't bear "quitting" again on a Sunday while I was depressed (yes, I know alcohol is a depressant, I know) so I bought wine on the way home from the office.  Yesterday I had a long hard day, I didn't want to quit yesterday.  So, here I am today, I want to drink but I am not going to.  How did this innocent conversation about Italian food lead me to a weekend plus of drinking.  I need to keep my guard up.  I need to be aware of what I'm saying.  So, here I am at day one again.  

You know when the stars align and all is well.....today isn't that day.

Okay, I am having a bad day and it keeps piling up so I am coming to the blog so I can speak my mind, have it out, kick it in its ass and NOT drink.  This day started out promising, I got up, went for a jog, went to an AA meeting and wham, the day started off wrong.  I picked a sponsor in AA because she was educated, new to the area like me, and living a sober life like I wanted.  The problem is she is passive aggressive, and says all of the right things until she does the exact opposite.  I have had a ton of shit piling on me lately, a big huge ton of shit.  I need to be sober so I can deal with it all, since I am the one everyone comes to in my family to straighten things out.  I am not good at asking for help because I've always been of the mindset that people really don't care about my problems, I should handle them myself. I realized that I can't handle everything myself.  I can't.  I need support.  My husband is very supportive and I am grateful for him every day.  But he doesn't get the whole drinking thing, doesn't get why he can take it or leave it when I can't, he doesn't get why I can't just let things with my family go, he just doesn't get how I can go from being happy one minute, to sad the next. 

I think that I need to read some sobriety blogs because I just feel so darn sad.  I'm not going to drink, I am determined.  Thanks for letting me share.  Whats weird is I don't even feel like drinking right now.