Culinary dreams and enjoying a nice glass of wine. Day 8

I absolutely love to cook.  I'm addicted to cookbooks, cooking shows and cooking blogs.  I think the biggest disappointment I have had is that I haven't ever been able to just enjoy a glass of wine.  A glass of wine would be cruel.  It wouldn't be fair, it would be the beginning of a lot of heartache, or longing.  But it always looks good.  I watched Top Chef last night and watched the chefs drink a glass of wine with Jacques Pepin and my first thought is that he has one bottle of wine for six people.  THAT is why I am not like others that can actually enjoy one glass of wine.  One thing that I always notice is when people actually LEAVE WINE IN THEIR GLASS!  Crazy talk. 

It is something that I have to accept.  I can't enjoy alcohol, I can enjoy food without alcohol, and my life is better without.  One other thing that I can honestly say, when fine dining I used it as a license to drink as much wine as I wanted which would ruin the enjoyment of the food.  Seriously, if you are obsessing over how much wine is left, how can you enjoy the food?  Welcome to day 8!

Its Friday night!

Friday nights are the most difficult sober nights, since Fridays have been my typical nights where drinking was accepted, and I could plan to drink more than my controlled amounts.  I had yet another function to go to tonight.  It was an open house for a new business.  Yes they had wine, food, and a water cooler.  I was tired, did a bit of networking, and went and picked up dinner. I'm watching a movie I will actually be able to pay attention to, and I will wake up fresh tomorrow. 

I did feel great today, and I definitely would have "no showed" to some of these events this week if drinking was on the table.  I never liked to drink at "events" because it was too taxing to limit my drinking.  Off to watch my movie. 

So, I have decided to note for the next 100 days, in my 100 day sobriety challenge to note how starting today through the holidays how many people question why I'm not drinking.  It is really funny when you think about it, people question your NOT drinking.  Nobody questions why I don't drink orange juice in the morning, but if you go out or people's houses for dinner, they wonder why you aren't drinking.  I did the same when others didn't drink.  I assumed they were religious, or alcoholics, but more often I thought they wouldn't be fun, they were probably judging me for drinking, and that I didn't want to invite them over for parties.  Pretty messed up!  I bought into the big lie that people couldn't be fun, cool, or the life of the party if they weren't drinking.  Wow!

So tonight I went to a work function, it was from 4-6pm and they were passing canape's and champagne when we walked in the door.  Instant awkward, because when I said no thank you to the champs, I was told in the kitchen there was San Pellegrino in the kitchen.  Of course, there were plastic cups with it, while everyone else was drinking from champagne flutes.  Instant second class citizen status.  It wasn't a problem, just an observation.  So, day one down, 99 more to go on my challenge.  Oh yeah, and it feels strange not to feel drained and foggy while sitting watching television before going to bed.  A very good weird.  More tomorrow.......

I'm on a roll now, three days but who is counting.  I'm really not, at least not so much.  I just want to make it first to one week, then two and then I'll be in uncharted territory.  Its shouldn't be hard, and most times it isn't.  The problem for me, is I tend to like to isolate at times.  I like being around people and being social, but some times I prefer to work at home and not deal with the stuff that goes on at work.  I'm not sure why, its just I am really hard on myself, and if I feel like I'm not working to my fullest potential, I get hard on myself, and then I compare myself to others that I feel that I should be more successful than, I just don't know how to motivate myself to move.  I know this became less of a problem when I had some sober time.  

I think that the more "sober" I become, the more my motivation will peak.  So, here I go with a flash of brilliance, I will put myself and my sobriety first.  I have to believe the rest will follow.   So here are my commitments-1 I will not drink, 2. I will eat real food, 3. I will exercise more.  This is my commitment for now until the end of the year.  Work will come in fourth until the new year. 

Well here I am, back at square and day one.  Its amazing how one little thing can make it throw in the towel, again.  I was so committed, I knew that the time was passing and getting closer to the time that I wouldn't think obsessively about drinking.  How did this happen?  So, I did some extra work for a client of mine.  While we were working she was talking about her family owning an Italian restaurant in New York.  We were talking about our love for Italian food and my love for cooking in general.  Then she asked me what kind of wine I drank.  Well, this wasn't the time for a confession, and I didn't have an answer prepared.  So, no harm done, I told her I liked Cabernet, Chianti, other reds.  End of discussion, no big deal.  I get home from work on Friday and low and behold, two bottles of red wine (very nice Cabernet) were sitting in my front gate, by the door.  Now, this is the part where I instantly poured out the bottles, and proudly walked inside.  Well, it actually isn't the time that I do that.  I called my husband, told him about the wine, and I said I'll start again tomorrow.  Once said, I was on a mission.  My mood was excited, I had "permission" to drink, the wine was a gift, what could it hurt?  
It didn't hurt that much that night.  Both bottles down, with me doing a running commentary on how I am feeling after each glass.  Then hubby and I watched a movie that neither of us could concentrate on, we went to sleep at 8:30pm.  Party on!  That started a day two of drinking because we were lazy, and hung over and it was Saturday.  We got in a yelling fight, went to bed angry.  Sunday I woke up depressed, I had to go to the office for a while, I couldn't bear "quitting" again on a Sunday while I was depressed (yes, I know alcohol is a depressant, I know) so I bought wine on the way home from the office.  Yesterday I had a long hard day, I didn't want to quit yesterday.  So, here I am today, I want to drink but I am not going to.  How did this innocent conversation about Italian food lead me to a weekend plus of drinking.  I need to keep my guard up.  I need to be aware of what I'm saying.  So, here I am at day one again.  

I am on a roll!

I did it.  I turned the voice off.  The voice was so strong (no I am not schizophrenic).  This was the strongest voice yet.  My husband is out of town on business for the final time this year.  I have been getting so much work done this week since I can work with a clear head, and my husband isn't home so I can work or Facebook, or do whatever in the evening.  This afternoon I am making some red beans and rice, and cleaning out closets, and doing my normal work, and the thought first came across as something like "you know, if you finish all of these projects you could take a bubble bath, and get a bottle of wine, and read for an hour.  Then I tried banishing the wine part.  I couldn't stop it, it was there.  I had pretty much made up my mind to start over (again) because this is the last time I could get away with it.  The only thing that bothered me at first about that thought is that I would have to lie to my husband, or tell him while he is away that I fell of the wagon.  I couldn't stop the thought.  I laid down my chopping utensils, and decided to go to the store and get the wine and then "see" how I feel in a few hours after I have finished my work.

Here is what is different this time than any other time that I have had this thought. Once I have decided to do it, then the relapse has begun, nothing can usually sway me from doing it.  I sat down at the computer, and decided to read a few sobriety blogs by the many new found sober bloggers, and go read their day nine stories and it helped!  Every one of them sounded like me, but what is interesting, reading blogs is like being in a time machine, many of the bloggers have now been sober for a year or so, and their whole writing style has changed, they seem like grown ups instead of pouting children, they have grown in their sobriety, and damn it, I am not going to drink.  I have NEVER stopped the train when I decided to drink to before, and I have.  Thank you Belle, Anne, and Mrs. D.  Whew!

One thing I have noticed about many of the bloggers is that they have husbands who 1. Drank with them but wouldn't have been drinking if they were alone 2. That could take it or leave it and 3. That never put their foot down about alcohol, but expressed later that they were worried.   Isn't it interesting that men can swallow what they are feeling.  I guarantee if my husband had told me it was time for me to quit drinking, I would have given him the old middle finger (figuratively or maybe not if I was drinking).  He tolerated me, and I don't want the super hubby to have to tolerate me.  I will do this.  So, off to clean out my closet AND when I am finished with my work I'll take a bubble bath, with a blood orange soda, and my Kindle.  Aaaaah!!!!!!!

Day 4 and feeling fine.....

Well, today is my fourth day sober.  I feel a sense of commitment, knowing that I'm on the way.  So far, the biggest changes are a feeling of energy when I usually drag, which I'm sure is no coincidence that I start to drag right before I usually have my first glass of wine.  One thing that I know is normal, but I'm not a big fan of is that I crave sweets.  This is a normal by product of sobriety, and it lasts a few weeks, but I have never been a big craver of sweets.  I like carbs, bread, pasta and the like, but usually don't crave sweets, except now.  I decided not to beat myself up over this.  I need to lose weight but, first things first.  So I have been having a bowl of ice cream after dinner every night, and I'm cool with it because I haven't had wine.  Speaking of wine, I have a great substitute for red wine.  I love a glass of tart cherry juice, and I put it in a special glass to have instead of wine while I'm cooking.  I personally think it is a great substitute for red wine.  Wine is the only alcoholic beverage that I really liked.   I usually drank vodka, or tequila for the mission of getting a buzz (which really ended up getting me drunk) but wine was my thing!  I know going out to dinner won't be pleasurable for a while as I know that it will be difficult without wine.  No future tripping, just for today I will not worry about wine, or alcohol, and just try to make this weekend fun and somewhat stress free. 

My favorite wine substitute.