Isn't it funny, how I'm supposed to "mean it" (blog title) but yet I haven't been here because I guess I thought I meant it, but I clearly didn't.  Okay, this time I mean it.  I know that I can't grudgingly go toward sobriety.  Here is something that I have been repeatedly told, don't quit before the miracle happens.  I keep quitting.  So, here I am back at it again.  I am feeling positive about things.  I actually am hopeful.   It is so amazing that alcohol can control ones life, even if I'm not drinking, I am usually thinking about my not drinking, or quitting drinking, or when I can drink again.....you know the drill.  So, here I am, sober for a few days, feeling good.   Time to get interested in life again.  One of the things AAisms is "living life on life's terms".  I am going to this sober.  I have two parents that need care, and a sibling that needs care, and I have to learn that I can't take care of anyone if I don't take care of myself.  For now I'm going to do "the next right thing!"

Day 26 feeling peaceful

Things are going well in my world.  I am so grateful to be feeling so great today.  These things ebb and flow, yesterday I woke up in a great mood, made blueberry pancakes, was feeling great about life and then DH made a comment about pancakes not being on my diet and it set me off. I have been overreacting to some things as an over correction of my co-dependent behavior while drinking.  I have thought about this a lot.  You see, I would drink, feel guilty, and to make up for it (usually because hubby and I would get into some sort of rip roaring argument when I was drinking because I became mean)  So to make up for this behavior I would suck up the next day, I took the blame for everything even when I suspected he embellished my poor behavior because I had let us down again.  I always did the things he wanted to do, tried to over compensate in the wife arena to make my drinking issues not seem so bad, because hey look how perfect I am as a wife otherwise.  

Now in my 26 days of sobriety, I have my mojo back which means I put my foot down more, I want to do my own things more, I want to see the movies I want to see etc.   Don't get me wrong, my husband told me how much better he likes me sober, but I am not such a push over.  I have always been independent, but a lot of that got lost with my drinking.  

I do like working my way back to me, there are just a few growing pains along the way.  

Best laid intentions and miscellaneous stuff......

Let me start out by saying, its Day 24 and I....AM....STILL....SOBER!  This is the longest in over three years! I am mostly doing well.  I have had my moments of pity party.  Last night was one.  Fridays are just hard.  I loved Fridays because the after work happy hour(s) were not unusual in most people's worlds.  I could say out loud in the office, "Whew what a week, I need a glass of wine." Of course everyone commiserated and agreed.  It was a festive feeling.   The fact of the matter is though, I always drank too much on Friday nights.  It was freedom zone, no work tomorrow, and I would drink too much and feel like crap on Saturday morning.  The pattern was always the same, feel like crap on Saturday, and fairly depressed all day.  I would eat junk food because I already felt like crap, and there was nothing so good as a greasy burger and fries to make myself feel better.  

Saturday night was usually a slower drinking night.  Notice I didn't say a non-drinking night.  Sunday would start out feeling okay, and by Sunday afternoon I was in a full on depression.  Had to have wine with dinner, wine after dinner, and Granny before bed.  My worst hangovers were on Mondays.  I am thankful that I don't have to do that anymore.  Weekends are about the days and not the nights so I try to do things I haven't done in a while because I was either hung over, too tired, too depressed or too lazy.  It is amazing how lazy I am when I'm drinking.  

So, lets end with a positive.  I am at work this morning, doing a few things that need to be done, and then I'm off the rest of the weekend and I plan to have fun.  I am going to see American Sniper today,  and I am going to have fun tomorrow.  

Happy Weekend! 

Deprivation......mental clarity

Well, with sobriety comes action.  I am doing things that I have put off, that I have wanted to do, what I haven't wanted to do but needed to do.  Which brings me to the big eating change I am going through.  It is no longer in vogue to say "diet" because we all know that diets don't work.  I am doing the Isagenix "cleanse" to lose weight but it isn't a diet its a lifestyle.  Anyway, I like it because the shakes taste good, I can eat a healthy dinner and I know exactly how many calories I am eating.  The only down side is that there is a two day cleanse every two weeks.  I am HUNGRY!  The good news is that I haven't given a thought to alcohol, but food, oh sweet carbs and food......heavy sigh. 

My sobriety is good.  I feel my life changing in positive ways already.  I am not good with deprivation.  I am not good with no, but I am happy that the deprivation I am feeling today is food deprivation.  Although not that happy.....because I want to eat.  More tomorrow (maybe).  I will be on day two of my two day "super cleanse" tomorrow.  I may be very cranky.  But lighter hopefully, but cranky nonetheless.

Culinary dreams and enjoying a nice glass of wine. Day 8

I absolutely love to cook.  I'm addicted to cookbooks, cooking shows and cooking blogs.  I think the biggest disappointment I have had is that I haven't ever been able to just enjoy a glass of wine.  A glass of wine would be cruel.  It wouldn't be fair, it would be the beginning of a lot of heartache, or longing.  But it always looks good.  I watched Top Chef last night and watched the chefs drink a glass of wine with Jacques Pepin and my first thought is that he has one bottle of wine for six people.  THAT is why I am not like others that can actually enjoy one glass of wine.  One thing that I always notice is when people actually LEAVE WINE IN THEIR GLASS!  Crazy talk. 

It is something that I have to accept.  I can't enjoy alcohol, I can enjoy food without alcohol, and my life is better without.  One other thing that I can honestly say, when fine dining I used it as a license to drink as much wine as I wanted which would ruin the enjoyment of the food.  Seriously, if you are obsessing over how much wine is left, how can you enjoy the food?  Welcome to day 8!

Day seven....I'm in heaven.....not literally....

Well, its been awhile, I decided it was too difficult to quit and stay quit over the holidays.  I felt guilt, shame, and regret, but also resigned.  What a difference a year makes.  I am on day seven and I feel great.  I had one day of alcohol craving, more escape craving but other than that this is going smoothly.  I'm on fire at work, I have been social, energetic, and just plain happy.  Pink cloud?  Yep, but I think I'll ride it out.  I am doing this, I feel different.  Once I make it to Saturday, it will be the longest I have been sober in three years.  This is it, it has to be.  I am doing Belle's 100 day challenge.  I know if won't be easy, but I am going to do this.  Life feels better without the lethargy of alcohol.  I essentially shut down in the evening.

Its Friday night!

Friday nights are the most difficult sober nights, since Fridays have been my typical nights where drinking was accepted, and I could plan to drink more than my controlled amounts.  I had yet another function to go to tonight.  It was an open house for a new business.  Yes they had wine, food, and a water cooler.  I was tired, did a bit of networking, and went and picked up dinner. I'm watching a movie I will actually be able to pay attention to, and I will wake up fresh tomorrow. 

I did feel great today, and I definitely would have "no showed" to some of these events this week if drinking was on the table.  I never liked to drink at "events" because it was too taxing to limit my drinking.  Off to watch my movie.